Currently Listening Chaotic Resolve By Plumb Cut see related

The New

Excerpt from my journal:

God, I feel like (after thinking about [the trip to] Las Vegas) that You have so much more for me.  I feel like You have something greater for me.  Springfield was a step.  A huge step!  To help me break away.  But now, its time for me to run.  Is that correct?  I will definitely keep praying about it.  But, I feel like there is so much more to come.  Its like something has awakened inside of me.  I left, I fell aesleep, and now its time for me to wake up.  I feel alive inside.  Is this what You had in mind for me?  I look forward to it with great anticipation!

Just so you know, they just anounced Spring Impact trips this Thursday.  I was planning on not even thinking about considering going on a trip.  They had some really neat trips lined up.  I also came up with an amazing phrase: "My heart breaks for the world; my passion activates for the states."  Which is very true.  (Lulu thought it was really good too!)  The last trip introduced was a trip to Las Vegas.  And the way the leader presented it, and just knowing his heart for Las Vegas, I was intrigued.  Surprisingly, that trip was all I could think about for the rest of the service.  It was like something was tugging at my heart.  And I didn't even expect it!!!

Now, beginning to think and pray about it, I wonder if this trip is meant for just a learning experience or for something more. . .  Does God have something more for me than just a normal ho-hum life in Springfield?  Or am I meant for the more extreme hurting people?  I don't know.  This all seems rather drastic.  I want to be open to anything God leads me in, but I also don't want to forget where God has brought me to either.

Its been like forever so I figured I better update!  I am finally back at CBC and loving it!  Its my last year and I am oh so uber excited!!!  Wow.  And it has been amazing ever since I've been back.

Wow.  So this summer God has totally been working on me and walking with me.  (If He hadn't been walking with me I'm sure I would have fallen over!)  But now I am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that God definitely has different plans for me than I had ever expected before.  I really want to work with youth, specifically depressed youth.  And I feel like God wants me to stay here in Springfield and work with the Deaf church here as the youth leader for however long He wants me to be here.  And I am really excited about that!  It is totally different and not at all what I expected, but God has confirmed it to me over and over again throughout this summer and ever since I came back to CBC.

So I want to permanently move over to Springfield into my very own apartment.  And I want to get a dog.  Either a chihuahua, or a pug, or a puggle (a pug/beagle mix).  I'm really excited about what God has in store for me and can't wait to see God's hand move in the lives of my youth!  And I can't wait to see my youth!!!  (I haven't seen them yet this summer.  I love them and miss them so much!)

Currently Watching Tarzan (Special Edition) By Tony Goldwyn, Minnie Driver, Glenn Close, Brian Blessed, Nigel Hawthorne see related

New Frustrations

You know, its funny, as much as this surgery has unnerved me and scared me and now kinda still hurts me it has nothing to compare to the ongoing pain that I feel still living in this house.  Yes, we finally made it into the house.  And it is beautiful!  It is probably the only reason that I can survive this summer.  No, scratch that, God is the only reason that I can survive this summer, but the house sure helps.

However, have you ever had the feeling when you step into a room or a house like oppression and a weight bearing down on you?  That's how I've felt ever since I came home.  And its never gone away.  Sometimes when I can feel the Holy Spirit's presence the pain is lifted, but I'm never free of it.  God has so much work to do in my family.  But I cannot stay for it.  I cannot linger for a hope that I am afraid may never happen.  I've never felt this way about my family.  I'm scared.  I'm overwhelmed.  I can't even be real with them.  They don't want the real me, the new me.  I don't even know who they want.  The person they can never be perhaps.  All of their hopes and desires for me are placed on me, but I don't want a single one of them.  I just want to follow God.  Unfortunately that is leading me elsewhere from their dreams.

My only question is: will I ever be free of this oppression?  When I go back to school and leave this home forever, will I leave these cares behind?  Or do I have to bear them forever?

Can't God change people?!?  Now I don't know whether I should be happy or upset with what God is doing in my life.  I was happy, I was excited!  But God's work, or at least what I thought was God's working in my life, worrys my family.  They think I'm making a drastic decision based on emotions and stress and probably bad thinking processes.  They say they'll support me, but I can hear the hesitation in their voices.  I guess its just hard for me because I want to please people.  And how can I please them if I don't follow through with what I've told them for all my life and spent money in and invested in???  I can't.  Its just hard because I want to make sure that I am following God's will.  Is it so strange that He would change a person?  I think I'm actually doing a whole lot better than I was before.  And I have new interests and new desires.  Because a person felt called to something in her youth, does that mean she has to commit to it for the rest of her life?  What if she has changed so radically that it has affected her calling?  Is that so impossible to believe?  I wish it wasn't.  Oh, I so desire confirmation now.  Confirmation to know that I am truly following God's voice and not my own desires so that I can stand up without a shadow of doubt and know that I truly am doing God's will.

Its also hard because I want to listen to my family and follow their advice.  They have wisdom that they can share with me.  But do they know what God has for me?  What if I do not want to dwell within my past anymore.  I've lived in it far too long.  I'm ready for something new.  But is that running away???  Or is it pressing on to the future?  I'm so confused now.  Confused and frustrated.  I don't know who to listen to anymore.  All I can do is listen to God, and if this is where He takes me I cannot refuse.

Currently Listening Sounds of Heaven By Kathy Troccoli Missing You see related

God is Amazing!

So much has happened in the last two days!  Its been really amazing.  I already recounted it all in my journal, so I might as well just copy that on here.  It is a bit long, but it explains everything.

You have been so amazing.  I had been struglling for so long.  I would look at the faces on my wall, but the passion that used to fill me didn't.  I was hurting because I didn't know what was going on.  Was I just losing passion?  Was I getting tired?  Was there something wrong with me?
I had prepared my sermon for yesterday and I was really excited.  I was going to preach about Mary of Bethany and then I was going to actually show it by pouring perfume on someone's feet.  I had already chosen Sam.  When I went to chapel Dr. Denbow spoke about the same thing!  He spoke about worship using the story of Palm Sunday.  He said that worship requires sacrifice.  I was so excited because he was preaching on the same subject!  And at the end he had us stand up and worship.  I was balling.  You were showing me that despite my confusion that You still speak to me.  And I was also balling because I realized how much I loved Sam and how much that action would show her that I loved her.  Wow.  It was so powerful.  And then when I did it, taking off her shoes and her socks and soaking her feet with the perfume . . . wow.  What a memory.  I'm so glad I did it.  Sam told me afterwards that she was so shocked that she didn't know how to respond when she was in the chair but when I was finished and she sat back in her chair she realized what I had done and it just overwhelmed her and she started crying.  Hannah said she was crying through the whole thing.  And later I found out that Sam's mom would always give her Sweet Pea, and that was the scent that I had chosen.  It was just incredible.
And then today chapel was amazing.  I know that God was trying to talk to me.  All Floodgate [CBC drama ministry team] did was give testimonies, but there were a few that really spoke to me.  I felt so guilty and so confused.  I didn't know what I was going to do.  I felt if I was going to say no to my past calling that I was running away from God.  But God told me that I was a different person when I had made that first committment.  I had things I was struggling with and different values that I didn't even know about that influenced my decisions.  And God was saying, "That was the past.  Listen to me now."  And I felt so free because I knew that I wasn't tied to those past decisions.  I've changed.  I am such a different person now than who I was back then.  I have such a different life.  A different personality, burdens, giftings, desires.  God wants to use me for who I am.  And I am so happy.  Hannah said, "Following God is a daily process."  She also said that she would support me wherever I go and whatever I do as long as I am following Your will.  All I want to do is follow Your will.  I just didn't think it could be this good!  I want to stay in America.  I want to help girls who are going through what I have gone through.  Whatever You want.